James Douglass (Working Title)

Where the fuck am I?

God, I hate waking up and asking myself that question. It seems to be a regular occurrence with me these days. I thought my twenties would be a period of late nights, sex, drugs, and drinking, instead I’m stuck with these awkward mornings after. I have no idea where I am, or how I get to these places.

Normally I realize where I am and the night comes back to me though, but today is different. It’s late, normally I wake up early. I have the strange taste of a campfire in my mouth. I’m confused as to how I know what a campfire tastes like, and why I have the taste in my mouth in the first place.

Seriously, where am I? I’ve never seen this room before, these mediocre tapestries, these flannel curtains; it’s like I’ve died and gone to lumberjack heaven. There’s a chair across that room that appears to have had somebody sleeping in it last night. Looks like I managed to sprawl out on the floor again. That’s a little strange though. There’s a perfectly good couch next to the chair. Why didn’t I sleep there? Why the fuck did I end up on the floor? How many people slept here last night?

I guess it would help if I could remember the night. I don’t even know what day of the week it is. I feel like its Saturday, or maybe it was Saturday last night. Fuck, I don’t remember.

Where did I go last night anyway? Wasn’t it Andrea’s birthday? Fuck, I don’t remember. I don’t think I went to any parties. Wait, who the fuck is Andrea? I don’t know anyone named Andrea, do I? Andrea, why does that name seem so familiar? I can’t put a face to it, but I recognize that name. Did I go to high school with her? Did I meet her at a party? Fuck, I just need to figure out where I am.

Suddenly the door opened and an unfamiliar girl walked in. She’s a short brunette, but she’s different. She’s like nothing I have ever seen before. She’s positively the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I stare at her motionless. She looks at me and our eyes meet. She has the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. I’m trapped in her eyes. My mind and heart race with emotion. I love this girl, though I have no idea who she is. I can feel my palms sweating. She smiles at me.

I stand to greet her.

“H-H-Hi,” I stutter beneath my breath. I’ve never been nervous around girls. Why is this girl reducing me to a stuttering school-boy? Why is she so different?

“You sleep well?” she asked with a smile that lit the room. I’ve never seen a smile like the room like hers. It’s simply radiant, and I feel it more and more with every moment that passes. It was an overwhelming sensation of warmth. I love this girl.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I hesitate to answer; I still have no idea who this girl is, or where the hell I am. I pause for a moment than ask quietly, “say, how did I end up here? I mean, how did I get here last night?

“Seriously? I drove you, silly,” with that she turned away. I could tell by her answer she was confused. She obviously wasn’t sure where I was getting at with this one. She removed her sandals and walked across the room. Even her walk was beautiful; she walked with grace and elegance, lightly stepping over the area on the floor where I had been sleeping. She stood aside me and gazed at me with those eyes. I love her.

“I’m sorry to sound rude and blunt, but I don’t remember anything about last night. I’m not trying to look like an asshole here. I just have no idea of how I got to this house, where this house is, or who you are for that matter.” My words were said hastily. I wanted to get my point across before she had time to interject. Probably because I was afraid of how she would respond. Not probably, I was afraid of how she would respond

And just as I thought, she wasn’t expecting that at all. She turned away from me suddenly, facing the aforementioned chair and couch on the other side of the room. She turned back slowly, and our eyes met. Again I became lost in her beautiful brown eyes. I love her

I could tell there was something here, something between us; she felt it too. She looked down suddenly.

“I see, well we’ll just have to wait until your brother and Andrea get back from the lake.” She answered under her breath. She glanced at me one more time before walking away. This time our eyes didn’t meet; I kept my head down. I sat back down in my area on the floor.

She walked into the kitchen and busied herself washing dishes, probably left to sit from the night before, and made some coffee.

For a little cabin it was quite spacious. It had not only a full kitchen but a separate dining room with an oak table and chair set. It was all so beautiful and simplistic, everything I’ve ever wanted in a house.

I stood up and began to take in my surroundings, hoping to find some clue as to where I was.

I could smell the fresh pot of coffee and my mouth began to water. I’ve never smelled coffee like that before, at least not in America. It smelled fresher than anything; I walked into the kitchen and found a mug. I poured myself a cup and drank it black. I hoped the sudden caffeine rush would help recharge my memory but nothing came from it. I sat in the chair in the living room and sipped my cup slowly, traversing my mind in an attempt to piece together the puzzle of the night before.

I could tell that she was hiding something, but what it was I hadn’t the slightest clue. She obviously knew who I was, and quite well from the way she interacted with me when she came in. Of all the people I could forget in my life, why this girl? Why those eyes? How could I forget those eyes? They have such an effect on me, on my mind, on my body.

She used that name, Andrea. Who is Andrea and why do I remember her name. I can’t put a face to the name, but the name keeps popping up in my head. Andrea, Andrea, Andrea, who the fuck are you?

I try and retrace my last memories. I was alone; I was in my apartment. I had a long day and just wanted to relax. I remember there was nothing on TV, and I had seen every movie in my library. There was nothing worth eating in the fridge, and I had just finished my last beer. I was about to go to the store, and my phone rang. That’s it; I was sitting alone in my apartment checking my texts. There must be a text on my phone. That might give me a clue as to where I was last night. Where did I leave my phone?

I walked into the kitchen where that girl was. She was leaning against the counter biting her fingernails. Even there she looked beautiful. Her hair pulled up and slightly messy, hair eyes looking as though she was about to cry. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more.

“Excuse me, have you seen my phone?” I asked politely.

“Yeah, it’s plugged in on the kitchen counter where you left it last night.” She looked up at me with those eyes. I love her.

I was surprised to hear that I had my phone charger with me. I never bring my charger with me when I go out. The morning events became more and more unusual as the minutes passed... This beautiful girl, this Andrea, my brother, the lake, this house none of it added up to me. Could I have really blacked out this much? I didn’t think it possible. I’ve never had anything like this happen to me.

Suddenly the door opened; in walks a stunning blonde. This is her, this is Andrea. I’ve seen her before; I know I’ve seen her before. Where the fuck have I seen her before? Why can’t I remember her?

She’s tall and blonde with eyes bluer than the skies of heaven. Her hair sits comfortably on her shoulders. She’s the stereotypical Barbie girl. Her long blonde hair and bright blue eyes make her the perfect date for Hugh Heffner. She’s wearing a bikini top and a pair of bright green shorts that are definitely two sizes too small. She smiles at me with the whitest, straightest teeth I have ever seen. Next to the Brunette she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Our eyes meet but I feel nothing. There’s nothing there, no love.

“Well, look who’s finally up.” She says cheerfully. She looks around the room for the brunette girl.

My brother, Preston, follows in after her. Preston and I are a year apart. Born from the same mother with different fathers; this is apparent in our stature. Where I am tall and lean, Preston is short and husky. Though, he isn’t fat, just well built. He is a tank; he’s the brawn to my brains, which would explain why we get along so well.

“Did you sleep alright? We didn’t wake you this morning did we?” He asks.

I still have no clue as to what is going on. I don’t know who Andrea is, I don’t know who this Brunette is, I don’t know where I am, and I don’t know how in the hell I got here. The only person in the house I recognize other than myself is my brother.

With that the Brunette walks out of the kitchen. She looks at me, and I at her. I again lose myself for the moment staring into her eyes. I love her.

She looks away from me and towards my brother and Andrea.

“Guys, can you come here for a minute?” the Brunette asks. I stare, hoping that her eyes will meet mine, and I can once again become lost, but they don’t. She sharply turns away and sits at the dining room table.

The other two walk into the dining room and sit at the table. I busy myself folding the blanket I slept on last night. It’s a tight knit wool blanket; it’s amazing I didn’t wake up in a puddle of sweat.

This whole morning just seems unreal. I wake up in a house I’ve never seen, I see a girl I’ve never seen before and fall madly in love with her, my brother is here with a girl I know but don’t at the same time. Next I’m going to find out we’re all on some reality show, and I’ve lost.

I need to get out, at least for now. This is all hitting me too hard. I need a break; I need some air.

I decide to go for a walk. I feel like I should give them some time to talk. I’m no help to the conversation.

“I’m going to get some air. If you need me, I’ll have my phone on me.” I say to them as I walk out the door.

I look to the Brunette as I leave; our eyes don’t meet.

I walk out into the crisp summer air. I feel the warm sun upon my face and look into the beauty of the woods around me. This is unbelievable; it reminds me of the cabin in Big Sur. It’s exactly like Kerouac’s home in Raton Canyon. It’s all so simple; this place is just a small cabin, at the end of a dirt road, in the middle of a gorgeous wooded area. This is all so amazing.

The world around me begins to speak to me, and not only do I hear it, but I actually listen to what it has to say. It’s telling me that this is where I belong. This is my Eden, my perfection. I’m where I belong. For once in my life I finally realize everything and anything, for that instant I am God. I am all knowing and eternal.

Though I forgot the night before, I remember ever instant of my life until the moment it all goes blank. I just need to catch up on my past. I need to know how I got there and why I’m here.

I feel the life of the woods flowing through me. I feel like a new man. No, I feel like better than a man. I am everything, and everything is me. I’m reborn. This godlike moment lasts all but three minutes, but to me it is forever. I found purpose in the simplicity of the world around me. This is what so many hermits and shamans live for. I am the deer running to the stream, but I am also the Eagle soaring above, searching for fish. I am the Trees swaying in the wind, and I am the man standing here realizing everything.

“This is me, and I am the wood. I am the deer, I am the Eagle, and I am the man. I am all around, yet standing in one spot. ” I say to myself

“What does that even mean?” The Brunette comes walking behind me.

I turn around and see her eyes. I love her.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t know you were behind me.” I say to her bashfully. I feel the blood rush to my face creating a warming sensation. I’m sure my cheeks have become red at this point. I still try to hide my embarrassment.

I thought I was alone in this epiphany, but here stands my love. I still don’t even know her name.

“I left your brother and Andrea to find you. I feel like we should talk.”

“I agree, but first I need to ask you something.” I stare deep into her soul.

“Why you’re here? Where you are? How you got here?” She lists my earlier questions, missing the most important.

“What’s your name?”

“My name? You wake up in an unfamiliar place with no memory of how you got there or where you are, and you want to know my name?” She’s confused. Obviously she doesn’t see how important she is to me.

“Yes. “

“It’s Rebecca.”

At that moment I take her hand and look deep into her brown eyes. I feel our souls touching; I feel our pulses racing together. We enter the world of love. She feels it, I feel it, and together we feel the same sensation.

“I love you,” my words are quick but sincere. I see her love for me reflected in her eyes. She wants to respond, but can’t bring herself to do it.

“You’re a fool.” She turns away and begins to walk back towards the cabin.

“I know I’m a fool. I’ve always been one, but that doesn’t stop me from living. I looked into your eyes this morning and know; you’re the one.”

My words are full of passion, and now she sees it. No, she feels it. She knows I’m speaking the truth, she knows what I’m saying is coming from the heart, and she’s prepared to accept my love.

She stops to take a deep breath. I breathe in sing with her. She looks at me and our eyes meet. I love her.

“There’s more between us; you just don’t remember. I can tell that mean something to you, but you don’t really understand this. A lot has happened to you, James. You’re slowly realizing life. You’re just now realizing the beauty of the world. What you don’t see is that YOU are the beauty of the world. This place, this Raton Canyon is you.” Tears begin to form in her eyes.

I walk towards her slowly, and we lock in a passionate embrace. She begins to weep into my shoulder. I can feel her heart beating in sync with mine. I want nothing more than to dry her tears, lift her head softly, and kiss her gentle lips. I can’t bring myself to do it though. I’m nervous; I’m scared. No girl has this affect on me. I’m a rock when it comes to blocking fear. This girl is so different.

Even her crying is beautiful to me. There’s rhythmic method behind each sob. She’s a walking symphony and I’m here to conduct her. I’m here to embrace her, to love her.

Here I stand in the place where I finally belong, in my Raton Canyon, with the girl of my dreams. Everything should be perfect, but it’s not. Something comes over me, a feeling of distraught inner depression. Suddenly I’m overcome by it. I realize what I had forgotten.

It’s at that moment that the memories come flooding back. This is my true epiphany, my realization of the truth, the truth that is surrounding me now, the truth in her eyes.

“This isn’t real is it?” I ask her.

She looks up at me, and a final tear rolls down her cheek. Her weeping stops and she takes a step back.

“It’s real to me.” She says with a slight smile.

I lift my head and look up at the cloudless sky. The sun drifts through the trees in perfect uniform beams. All at once I realize. I’m no longer a part of the world of the living.

“Is this the other side?” I ask solemnly.

“No, this is just a stop on your road.”

“What do you mean?”

I hear a beeping sound in the distance. I think nothing of it and brush it off.

I’m confused now. I thought I had finally figured it out. I thought this was heaven, and I was dead. Now she’s standing here telling me that it’s not the other side. Is this some sort of purgatory? Is this where my judgment will occur?

“Your time isn’t up yet. This life could all be yours, if you try. You still have time left to accomplish so much. You could have your own Raton Canyon, your own Cabin.” As she speaks her voice quiets. The sun grows brighter. The beeping sounding in the distance grows louder with each second.

Suddenly I’m shaking. I feel the Canyon, the Cabin, the Deer, and the Eagle flow through me in that instant. I feel a rush of life. I’m alive, I’m whole.

I awaken in a hospital bed.

Preston is seating aside me; he’s asleep. His snoring is the loudest I’ve ever heard. He must have been up late. He stayed by my side all night. If that’s not love, what is?

I glance around my room. I have no roommate. I’m lying in a lonely hospital room; it’s empty and smells of antiseptic. I look at the clock and see that it’s 7:43am.

I remember everything; the text, crossing the street, the car coming out of nowhere.

I’ve experienced death first hand, and managed to awaken with my soul intact.

I wonder if it was all a dream; the Canyon, Rebecca, Andrea.

It’s at that moment that my nurse enters the room. She is Andrea. That’s the sign that tells me what I experienced was beyond death. It was a sign; I have more time left on this earth.

“Well, look who’s finally up.” She smiles with those white teeth. She is exactly as I remember her in the vision, except the attire is different.

She wears her hair back now. Her outfit consists of pink scrub bottoms with a peach colored top. She carries a clip board in her right hand and a pen in her left. Her smile is the same, and her face is as bright as the evening star.

I see the way she glances at my brother too. I know she is attracted to him, just as my dream had shown.

“How long was I out?” I ask. My voice is weak. I must not have had a drink in awhile

I see a pitcher of water next to my bed with a stack of cups. I reach for the pitcher and pour myself a glass. The water feels amazing travelling down my throat. Though it’s warm, it’s just what I need.

I place the pitcher on the table next to my bed and mange to spill it on my brother.

“What? Where? James! You’re up!” he shouts with excitement as he awakens.

He sits up in his chair and realizes that Andrea is standing at the foot of my bed. He adjusts his shirt and fixes his hair. He looks at me for the “okay” nod.

“You were out for a solid thirty-two hours. You’re a lucky guy; I’ve seen people not make it from an accident like that.” She says kindly. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to inform your doctor of your awakening.”

She exits the room but not before glancing back at Preston.

“You should ask her out.” I say to him casually.

“I’m planning on it. She’s a pretty interesting girl. We got to talking last night before I conked out.”

“You two would be good together, trust me.”

“Trust you? You don’t even know her” he says with a laugh.

“I know more than you think, my friend”

I try to explain everything to him; The Canyon, Andrea, waking up with no memory, Rebecca, the Deer, the Eagle, and the amazing Coffee. He listens intently, but takes everything in the wrong way.

He tries to explain to me that everything in my dream reflects what went through in the accident. He acts like I’m some Freudian psych case.

I explain to him the inner awaken of my spirit while standing in the Canyon. He tells me that my body was just ready to come back to consciousness and needed a way to tell my mind.

I remain in the hospital for a few more hours. When the doctor discharges me, he stays for a few moments to discuss my dream with me.

He tells me of other patients who also experienced death first hand. He says that the epiphany is not uncommon that many patients awaken with a new sense of life, and that those who truly want to change their path can.

I leave the Hospital with a new sense of purpose. I now know what I want out of life, and who I want to spend my life with. I will find Rebecca, and I will spend the rest of my life with her in that cabin. She’s my one, my soul mate, and I won’t let that pass me by. That place is where my soul truly feels alive. I will travel, I will live. My ambition will drive me, and my body will take me.